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Happy Whatever Holiday You Celebrate Without Me Insulting You!

By on April 16, 2014 in Snarky
HACK OFF

I can’t believe it is already hump day, the middle of spring break for you lucky young people, 2 days into the trek through the desert for those who eat unleavened bread, and almost hipity-hopity time! I just bought some Bamboo plants at Lowes (they are good luck plants because they barely need to be watered to survive -this is already good luck in my book) and saw eggs that actually hatch flowers. I want one. I mean I do! How cool -eggs that hatch flowers. I either need sleep or need to get out more if eggs entertain me… Continue Reading

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Vanity Fair Social Club: Melanysguydlines Makeover

By on March 1, 2014 in Goodies
Vanity Fair Social club

Happy Saturday! I am so happy that it is the weekend because I NEED to catch up on rest. I felt like I was a walking zombie yesterday completely deprived of sleep because I had a crazy week! Vanity Fair hosted a Social Club for bloggers where we were able socialize and grab free stuff! People are starting to recognize the importance of social media influencers and I love every minute and freebie of it. Vanity Fair and the sponsors had the most amazing creation. Picture a vending machine stocked of full adult size products from Vanity Fair, Lancome, Clarasonic,… Continue Reading

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Dating Oscar Goes to Mr. Piggy

By on February 25, 2014 in Relationships

It is pre-Oscar week and in Hollywood that means there is a lot going on. A lot meaning way more than what is going on in my love life, which is nothing unless you count that atrocious date, I went on last week. I have totally exhausted all of my patience with the men via online dating sites and have left the pleasure of interacting with these gems to my mother who doesn’t mind talking to unsuspecting guys in hopes of finding a diamond in the rough. Well, she has not done badly until last week. But, in all honesty… Continue Reading

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When Animals Attack: Dating Interference

By on February 19, 2014 in Relationships

  The Shorty Awards nominations are over and I hope I did not miss the honor by one spot. I will be ok with it (I will not, but my vodka is chilling and ready for consumption at 4:59PM to soothe my soul -just in case). Stay tuned as they are calculating right NOW! If I did not win, I am convinced outside forces in which I had no control over affected the outcome. Animals. You know? When animals attack? In the past week, I had interference from all of the following “animals”, which prevented proper promoting,  blogging, (and successful… Continue Reading

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Dating & Sex with Patti Stanger & Perez Hilton for Match.com

By on February 12, 2014 in Relationships

As most of you know, I drove to Arizona a few weeks ago for relaxation and to step away from my keyboard. And….I failed miserably at relaxing plus got a speeding ticket along the way. So, not the most fun trip but, I did take part in a discussion with the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger and Perez Hilton discussing love, dating and sex findings from Match.com 2014 study. The event looked Ah–mazing in New York and I am bummed that I could not actually be at there in RL. However, I was selected to represent the West Coast blogging community… Continue Reading

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Mel’s Hits & Misses Valentines Day 2014-PART 1

By on February 5, 2014 in Goodies

It is that time of year and since people think I am some sort of  a relationship expert –ish, I have received many awesome and not so awesome product reviews/requests. I wish my dating prospects were as good as some of these items. I hope my chubby, cherub a.k.a. cupid has been going to the shooting range. I will pay for him to have lessons to improve his aim and stop hitting all the asses of assholes. At this point, I would rather have Ted…..ehh Teddy Brewski than any other prospects. Cupid – you listening? 1. Ted Doll (I found… Continue Reading

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Cupids Bullseye: $545 Exclusive ICJUK Giveaway

By on February 3, 2014 in Goodies

Happy pre-Valentines Day (another- Don’t dress like a slut day). If you heard my interview on The Modern Dater, then you know I don’t love this holiday. It is not because I am single and bitter because when I had a hot boyfriend – I hated the holiday. You can ask him? He is probably still sitting in the same chair, with the same shocked looked on his face when I left him at a five star restaurant some years back. People – we do not need Hallmark to tell each other when we should be nice. It should happen… Continue Reading

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Grammys: Sink or Swim?

By on January 26, 2014 in LALA Land, Snarky

I wake up this morning and am super pissed that I don’t have a Master Card in my wallet. Actually, I am also a little irritated with my wallet staying out all weekend at a friend’s house. I left my wallet there on Thursday and have been confined to the house and sustaining on left over Halloween candy since I have no MONEY to buy any food. It is ok but I am going to be pissed if I can’t fit into my outfit for tonight. Oh that is right? A pair of tickets to the Grammys, preshow and after… Continue Reading

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Bye Cold But, I’m Keeping the Funny, Sexy Voice!

By on January 15, 2014 in Relationships
Prince charming is living with mr right

I am back from Vegas and have a cold. It is not fantastic because I am still hungry but can’t taste anything so forget about losing weight while sitting here with my thumb up my ass.  It is not awesomely dehydrating like the stomach flu where you magically lose 5 pounds. It is more like I am bloated like a puffer fish from the sodium in soup I have been ordering from the local LA Delicatessens. At least I have been able to catch up on taxes, which may actually be the worst thing in life besides moving or a… Continue Reading

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Happy New Year 2014: With or Without Resolutions

By on December 31, 2013 in Greatest Hits, Relationships
Happy New Year 2014: With or Without Resolutions

Happy New Year! Welcome 2014! I am so happy that I am not going to be hung-over, broke, waking up next to a goat or hungry from celebrating getting ripped off on New Years Eve (aka amateur hour). Not sure what the fascination is about going out to celebrate a day in the month of a calendar with 365 days? Yes, I realize that I sound like my parents. Cheers to getting another year older, wiser, and a little bit more in love with my couch. Shouldn’t we celebrate everyday? I know some of you reading this may be drunk,… Continue Reading

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Being Single for the Holidays-Yeah?!

By on December 23, 2013 in Greatest Hits, Relationships
Being single for the holidays

  Happy holidays MG fans! Wishing you the most wonderful holiday (whatever holiday it is that you celebrate without offending you). A fellow blogger asked me to write a piece about what it is like being single during the holidays and  I know a thing or two about this topic (unfortunately or fortunately). Thanks Karen -for the great topic. This is one of my favorites!   In a perfect world I would love to have a kickass companion, boyfriend, mate, or husband along with a perfectly trained dog to spend the holidays with (aren’t they the same? No? Oh). In… Continue Reading

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Dating Hall of Shame VIP

By on December 16, 2013 in Relationships

Here is a SUPER special (I mean SPECIAL, but not in a good way) nod to this dipshit into the Dating Hall of Shame VIP Platinum club! I have to give this guy an A+ for effort and an F for being the F@#$#@ing most oblivious and annoying online and texting dater ever!  DUDE  – get a clue! I have not answered 1 text from you EVER and the first one here was dated back in September. If I didn’t live in LA, I would probably be married to a huge, successful, fantastic, man by now. We could be living… Continue Reading

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