Top

Subscribe!

advice

Dating Hall of Shame VIP

By on December 16, 2013 in Relationships

Here is a SUPER special (I mean SPECIAL, but not in a good way) nod to this dipshit into the Dating Hall of Shame VIP Platinum club! I have to give this guy an A+ for effort and an F for being the F@#$#@ing most oblivious and annoying online and texting dater ever!  DUDE  – get a clue! I have not answered 1 text from you EVER and the first one here was dated back in September. If I didn’t live in LA, I would probably be married to a huge, successful, fantastic, man by now. We could be living… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 16

Melany’s Movember Mutterings

By on November 19, 2013 in LOL, Snarky

I have had a very busy week and wanted to blog about some of the highlights and things I observed along the way. These may be a bit random but welcome to the inner workings of my overactive brain. -Gyms are weird. People do strange things there. Like jump onto machines and look uncoordinated and uncomfortable performing physical motions at inappropriate speeds. When these motions look as they are injuring several parts of their bodies, it probably is injuring several parts of their bodies. If you look like a spaz on the machine, I am sure that you end up… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 4

Boot Camp: Dogs, Frienemies, Unfollowers, & Assholes

By on November 13, 2013 in Dummies, Snarky

I posted another video for your viewing pleasure. My educated guess is that more people like watching 3-4 minute clips of my animated self than reading 500-750 plus words of carefully, detailed, humorous stories. That’s Ok. I can be included in this majority sometimes so I won’t hold it against you. People always ask what my blog/vlog is about? It is humor people! Snarky humor! While on my vacation (what a joke – have not had one day without and appointment since I have been here) I took advantage of an amazing dog training school opportunity for my beloved Teddy… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 4

Guys Can be Sloppy Drunky-poo too!

By on November 8, 2013 in Dummies, Snarky
Guys can be sloppy drunk too

Some things just need a YouTube video and this story is one of them. This is not the correct way to get a date ladies and gentlemen. I would like to set the record straight that girls are not the only people that get sloppy drunk. Guys do too and it is not a good look. Beware of sloppy guys picking up on girls and snarky girls messing with drunky-poo guys while doing so. It was just too fun not to mess with,  “blue guy, green, striped guy, plaid guy” and I had to and share with all of you…. Continue Reading

Continue Reading 10

Happy Halloween aka Dress like a slut day!

By on October 30, 2013 in Greatest Hits, Relationships
happy dress like a slut day

Ho Ho Ho – Don’t be a Ho on Halloween. It is not cute. For this blog post I am going to break down what to wear and what not to wear on Halloween in my YouTube video. I mean, if you are a slut you do not need to wait for Halloween to dress like one. But, please spare me the bikini tops when you are flat as a board unless you are signaling Ms. Miley Cyrus. Also, in this video I will address the well known “frienemy” epidemic which plagues most women. Don’t be one of them! Watch,… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 10

DatingAdvice.com: Me, An Expert?

By on October 24, 2013 in Relationships
Dating advice expert

This week has been insane for me but in a great way! This dating and relationship blogosphere is full of information, tips, advice, experts and people who think they are experts. I have learned so much and in no way claim to be an expert but feel that I am heading in that direction (especially when it come to dating this blog and not going on any real dates). What does it mean to be an expert on love and relationships anyway? We all have both of these things (hopefully) in our lives and are full of experiences both good… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 2

Online Dating: What Not To Do (Again & Again)

By on October 18, 2013 in Relationships

You all know that I have a plethora of online dating nightmare stories and it has not stopped but I have limited my reporting on such ridiculousness because it is depressing quite frankly. This one – I need to get off my chest. Please don’t make these mistakes while online dating or you will end up in the online dating nightmare category, which I should create on this here blog. The following are texts messages from a potential suitor from Sept 22, 2013 – Oct. 10, 2013 that went unanswered by me (I did answer the first week  but he… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 13

Online Dating Advice: Felony Melany Style

By on October 10, 2013 in Greatest Hits, Relationships
Melany Felony Online dating tips

It was a rainy day here in Los Angeles so I decided to play with YouTube a little more. There are so many instructional videos for your instructional video on how to make a YouTube video. They tell you what to do, what not to do, what lighting to use, that you should stand on your head and play a tuba while blowing another bubble out of your ass, wear a donkey suit with a big clown nose down to what to say and what not to say. It is overwhelming to say the least so I just say what… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 12

Get Seriously Friendly: Say Hello & Grab Yourself a Date

By on October 6, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky
hello oral care products to get a date

  It is Rocktober people and I want to encourage you to get back into the dating game this fall. If you are a little rusty let me offer you a “guydline” so that you can break the ice and not look like you are trying too hard. If batting your eyelashes, sticking out your chest, and giving a come hither stare does not work in getting you potential date’s attention then I suggest a few things. Pick a body part that you like and compliment his (get out the gutter ladies) eyes. Tell them they are as blue as… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 6

Not a Certified Relationship Expert: Going Certifiably Insane Dating!

By on October 4, 2013 in Relationships
Not a Certified Relationship Expert: Going Certifiably Insane Dating!

Since I started writing this blog, many people ask me so many questions regarding relationships, dating and online dating. I never said I was a certified expert in dating or relationships but I have a hell of a lot of experience in this arena (unfortunately)! I have dated every idiot from the top to the bottom of California (a little in Arizona, Washington, Texas, Florida and New York but who is keeping track?) and am looking for someone to save me from the horrible dating party and online dating predicament I am in! I am not a certified relationship expert… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 8

Funny Dating Advice: Tips From The Blogging Trenches

By on September 24, 2013 in Relationships
blogging isnt easy and dating isnt easy

Blogging is a lot like a relationship. There are many things to learn and it does not come easy. (Maybe I need to listen to my funny dating advice and learn from my own relationship tips-just a thought?) Anyway, blogging doesn’t just consist of writing alone just like dating does not consist of going out to dinner with no desert. Blogging and social media are very special relationships. Each blog and social medium has unique characteristics, which make him or her one of a kind and special. Special, like the way you are supposed make your date feel. Not all… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 4

Under the Sheets with Antonio Sabato Jr. 2013: Relationship & Dating Tips Interview

By on September 16, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky
Antonio Sabato Jr. relationship tips Interview with melanysguydlines 2013

Being a funny relationship blogger and dating advice giver, I am presented with various opportunities. Most of these things are ridiculous and barely make it into my inbox. But, I was given the chance to interview a total babe and of course I took it. You never know who you are going to meet or where, right? So, when I received an email from Antonio Sabato Jr.’s people of course I jumped at the opportunity to interview him regarding his new venture as a relationship blogger and online dating guru. “Enter celebrity serial dater turned online flirting guru, Antonio Sabato… Continue Reading

Continue Reading 10