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Run For Your Life: It’s A Singles Event

By on August 19, 2014 in Relationships
singles events and dating

Once upon a time there was a blonde, single girl who was a great catch but could not meet anyone normal so she decided to put on her big girl panties, black eyeliner, 6inch Louis Vuitton heels and try something new. Yes, the Louis may have been a little much for the 115 degree Arizona heat but she wanted to wear them so she did.  After getting lost in a second parking lot that week she arrives at her final destination, which is a group of young, active, singles looking to meet people just like them. And…. STOP right there…. Continue Reading

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Some Days Don’t You Just Ask Yourself “Why”?

By on August 15, 2014 in Snarky
dont you ask yourself why

……over and over? “I don’t get it”. I think I say that phrase more than any other phrase besides “I am tired”. Seriously, I am traveling through this world wondering why so many parents have dropped their children on their heads, more than once with, all the stupid shit I observe people doing on an hourly basis. They should provide gloves laced with glue for prevention of parental dropping of children once your babies are handed over from the Doctor. Why don’t people need to have licenses to have children? This is a great question. I just don’t get it…. Continue Reading

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Get On The Good Foot: Observations from a Rocker

By on August 11, 2014 in Snarky
Get on the Good Foot by James Brown is my jam

I learned a few things this weekend. 1. Melany is a very popular porn star name and I know this because when Google-ing my name (with the letter “Y” at the end) you will not find it on a Coke bottle, key chain but will find that it is a chosen name for a lot of porn stars. Just look at the images. Google it. See me in the midst of those women. Yeah. So, mom has looked into changing this melodic spelling for me legally. I will keep you updated. DISCLAIMER: I am not a porn star. Melanys is… Continue Reading

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I Got Social Last Night

By on August 8, 2014 in Relationships
#digeez

I went to my first Diamondbacks game last night courtesy of Cox Communication and CoxGiglife. I was invited by a person I follow on twitter and you know you are not in Los Angeles any more when you get invited to an event like that and they actually make it happen! It rocked but I have no more #hashtags to give for at least a few days.  Don’t quote me because that is a lie. Social Media events are always funny because everyone has to get their tweets or facebook posts in before everyone else. I am included in this… Continue Reading

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Win Up To $25,000 From Cars.com By Showing Your #newcarface

By on August 5, 2014 in Goodies
win up to $25,000 from cars.com #newcarface

When I was contacted to write this sponsored post for Cars.com it was a no brainer for me to oblige! I love cars and always have. It is safe to say, I am obsessed with fast sports, cars without a lid – you know? Convertibles! I am from California and don’t think I could be more of the cliché California girl driving my speedy racing car, top down, rock music cranked and hair blowing in the wind any more than I already am. ROCK ON! The faster the car and the louder the music – the happier I am! I remember this one test drive I went on with my father when we were looking at buying a new car and I will look back on that day fondly for the rest of my life. It helped that the person selling us the car used to race BMW M3’s in Germany. How do I know this? I know it because when my dad and I were looking at my prospective new car, he walked up and asked us “Who is first?” while strapping on his professional racing gloves to each hand and the look in his eyes told us he… Continue Reading

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Funny Sayings That Make You Go HUH? In The Night

By on August 1, 2014 in Greatest Hits, Snarky
funny old saying

I was sitting at a bar last night, drinking my goose and soda while Bret Michaels sang to me, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and I wondered what the hell is he talking about because roses have way more than just one thorn? The cliché sayings that sound beautiful screeched in a high pitch tone, out of longhaired rocker’s mouths don’t always make sense. Yet, we sing and say things like these all the time. We use weird sayings to make sense of situations when we don’t understand or can’t explain what the hell is going on in any other way. Old sayings have been around forever and still apply today because people are weird and do stupid shit. History repeats itself (and there is another one) but so do stupid people who do stupid things so these terms come in handy. Here are some sayings and the immediate random thoughts that populate in the squishy, overthinking, ADD and OCD thing between my ears. -Karma is a bitch! So am I. But, if she is such a bitch – where has she been hiding… Continue Reading

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Read These Tweets While You Sheet

By on July 29, 2014 in Snarky
snarky tweets

Twitter. You do it, get it, are addicted to it and prefer it to Facebook or you are scared of it because you don’t know “how” to tweet. For some reason, Twitter is like the Chupacabra of social media conquering. It is like an endless labyrinth and David Bowie may live there but I haven’t followed him yet. One of the most common questions people ask me is can I “teach” them how to tweet. Really? Do you have thoughts in your brain? Good. Then, sit down, sign up and tweet whatever is in your head. Find things you like… Continue Reading

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Got Wrinkles? Win $290 of Nerium AD Face & Body Firm Cream

By on July 23, 2014 in Goodies
WIn Nerium AD

Got wrinkles? There is an app for that and Melanysguydlines has an exclusive opportunity for you to get rid of your wrinkles without sticking needles in your face. People always card me and I tell them to limit their botox consumption because too much of anything is not a good look. Talking to you Mr. Manilow and Mrs. Kidman. But, after my moving ordeal with Jiminy, I felt like I was looking a little “worked” and worn out. My friend told me about this cream she was using on her face to reduce wrinkles, fine lines, redness and sent me… Continue Reading

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Dating: 16 Reasons I Swiped & X’d Your Face on Tinder

By on July 21, 2014 in Greatest Hits, Relationships

I first heard about Tinder, the dating app, a few years back when I saw a super risqué AD on a billboard driving down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood. Someone told me that it was just a hook up site for guys that were not interested in me – just interested in each other. So, I disregarded this little app for quite sometime until a friend suggested I give it a try a few months back. To my surprise there were a lot of guys looking for girls and I threw my hat in the ring. Why not? Right? It really… Continue Reading

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Win $100 To Stub Hub & Take Me With You

By on July 16, 2014 in Goodies
Contest for stub hub

UPDATE to my psycho ex Jiminy Cricket saga. I moved out, got alimony and secured custody of Teddy Brewksi. I WIN! I WIN! Now, I am giving you a chance to win $100 to StubHub. Plus, I am cricket free and ready to celebrate! Partnering with my girl Helene from Helene In Between again for this giveaway. She is off to Europe and I am off to, well, …..NO WHERE (and am excited about it and not having to pack and unpack). While Helene travels Europe and I stop traveling, kick back and set out what I was meant to… Continue Reading

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19 Things That Make Moving Worse Than It Already Is

By on July 14, 2014 in Greatest Hits, Snarky
19 things that make moving suck

It is 4:45 AM and I am writing to you from my mass exodus from a place called Cricketville. I have been there and none of you need to go there. Take my word for it. I have experience with creepy crawlies and in the past week I felt them crawling all over. You know? That horrible feeling you have when you can’t decide where to itch first because “something” is crawling ALL OVER YOUR BODY and won’t go away. Not to worry! I have found my salvation in a hotel called the Valley Ho until I can be safely… Continue Reading

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Pepper Spray, My New Accessory: As Seen On The Steve Harvey Show

By on July 10, 2014 in Goodies
pepper spray accessories

It is no secret that I deal with creeps on a daily basis. I had enough of the guys who “drive their rent” in LA and decided to relocate to the dessert in the middle of the summer for a little while. Yes, I know it is 115 degrees and hot but I love it here. I am a Wildcat for life and Arizona holds a special place in my heart for so many reasons. This time around, I am in Scottsdale checking things (and MEN) out to see if I like it. So far, I love Arizona and the… Continue Reading

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